Suka and Ice

Okay, so if what twi says is correct, you should have a well base for your roleplaying. Let me see a good roleplaying post you can create now ( don't copy and paste ;] )
We'll continue from there

Arrolas padded over the crest of a barren mountain. His gray fur blended smoothly into surrounding rock. He lifted his head to peer at the night sky. The northern lights shimmered in the distance. A gentle breeze stirred the gloomy forest below, sending him the sounds and scents of tangy pine, the rustling trees and the warm sense of prey; deer, rabbit, bird, and more. The breeze gently stirred his pelt, and he gladdened at the cooling sensation.

He glanced around to make sure that indeed he was alone. His eyes, like shards of the sky, dectected nothing. However, there was a sense of forboding from the forest below. Arrolas hesitated, weighing the risks. He made up his mind with "What can hurt me, a strong wolf?", and darted down the steep slope, reguardless of being seen or heard. Rocks clattered down the escarpment, flying past sparse brush. Arrolas raced through the scanty vegetation, catching clump of smoky fur in the thorns. "Ouch, brambles! They thorns however, didn't stop the young male's rush down to the forboding forest.

That is a very well thought out post! I like how you used a higher vocabulary in it as well. I shouldn't have to touch much on that except for saying Keep it up, maybe work to add a little more in there.

You described the look and feel of the setting, the thoughts and actions of your wolf, but this being an opening post, you should describe your own character a little more, such as his pelt color (unless is is just simply a gray pelt), more to tell us about his personality maybe, even telling us more about his thoughts as he surveyed the area around him would be good. Your very close to giving the reader a feel like they are right there in the setting, but not close enough. I like very descriptive, careful writing

Where are these mountains? in the middle of nowhere? Or in the middle of his territory?
Is he a loner, or does he belong to a pack?
What are some sounds from the area around him?
How do the rocks feel on his paw pads?

Mainly, what I'm trying to get to you here is that your describing things very well already, but there's room for improvement you know? edit your paragraph to how you see fit, and then look over it a few times, and ask yourself if there is anything more you can add to make it more interesting, and make it feel likme your actually there?

Arrolas padded over the crest of a barren
mountain. His drab gray fur blended smoothly into surrounding rock. The rock cut into his paws, but they only stung. Later would come the real pain, after licking out the gravel. He
lifted his head to peer at the night sky. The northern lights shimmered
in the distance. A gentle breeze stirred the gloomy forest below,
sending him the sounds and scents of tangy pine, the rustling trees and
the warm sense of prey; deer, rabbit, bird, and more. The breeze gently
stirred his pelt, and he gladdened at the cooling sensation. There was no sound from behind him, just silence. "The pack must be sleeping"

He
glanced around to make sure that indeed he was alone. Arrolas was in pack territory, and no friend of this pack. Nay, he was a loner, always wandering. His eyes, like
shards of the sky, detected nothing. However, there was a sense of
forboding from the forest below. Arrolas hesitated, weighing the risks.
He made up his mind with "What can hurt me, a strong wolf?",
and darted down the steep slope, reguardless of being seen or heard.
Rocks clattered down the escarpment, flying past sparse brush. Arrolas
raced through the scanty vegetation, catching clump of smoky fur in the
thorns. "Ouch, brambles!" They thorns however, didn't stop the young male's rush down to the forboding forest.

Good, i can see where you put in extra details. It did add a good bit to my mental picture of your story there, and made it much more clear to me what was going on, as it probably will with any other reader.

Let's move on
Grammar, not my favorite subject, is important. But i am only a 9th grader in English academic, so I can't seriously teach you like my own teacher mr Haney can, but I can give you a few tips.
Using a thesaurus is a great idea. instead of using words like pain, stung, loner, darted, etc. some words you have there are what many can call more advanced, but they can go further! Being an advanced teacher here, i expect to be surprised with vocabulary even I have to look up! ;]

Some examples:
Pain - affliction, distress, torment, gripe, rack etc
Annoy - hound, bother, provoke, goad, pester, harass etc
Sway - careen, swagger, lurch, wave, stagger, ocillate etc
Lifted - drew up, rose, took up etc
-Thesaurus.com
These are just a few words I looked up on this site, and found some useful alternatives for. Maybe some of those you dont recognize- this can be good! You're expanding your vocabulary and making your writing sound more advanced.

I want you to go through your post there and dont add words, but change ones you already have to spice up ur post a bit. You dont have to revise EVERY word, just pick some that you think could change

Narhen padded over the crest of a barren
mountain.
His singed, ash-covered coat blended smoothly into surrounding rock. The rock cut
into his paws, but they only stung. Later would come the real pain,
after licking out the gravel. His cinder-colored head rose to peer at the night sky. The northern lights shimmered in the distance. A gentle breeze stirred the gloomy pine forest below, sending him the sounds and scents of tangy pine, the rustling trees and the warm sense of prey; deer, hare, fowl, and a variety of other fauna. The breeze tenderly stirred his pelt, and he gladdened at the cooling sensation, so different from the violence of fire- yet he loved the flickering flames. There was no sound from behind him, just silence. "The pack must be sleeping"

He glanced
around to make sure that indeed he was alone. Narhen was in pack
territory, and no friend of this pack. Nay, he was a loner, always
wandering. His eyes, flickering like fire that he so loved, detected nothing unusual. However, there was a sense of forboding from the woodland below. Narhen hesitated, weighing the risks. He made up his mind with "What can hurt me, a hale wolf?", and darted down the steep slope, reguardless of being seen or heard.

Rocks clattered down the escarpment, flying past sparse brush. Narhen raced through the scanty vegetation, catching clumps of smoky fur in the thorns. "Ouch, brambles!" The thorns however, did nothing to hinder the young male's rush down to the forboding forest.

Wow, big improvement from when i read your first to that last post! Your defiantly getting the idea! Last notes for grammar would simply be to stay smart with your use of quotation marks, punctuation, sentence structure, and so on. Like for example, usually in stories ( not a big deal here) when a new character speaks, you start a new line. Also, when a new set of action occurs. like here:

Keovi paced back and forth on the hardened rock overlooking his territory.
" I need a plan here, Takara." He murmured finally.
" Well, we have one. Your sister suggested to stand our ground, I believe it to be a safe way to go. If the StreamRunners decide to attack, we will defend what need be defended." She sat next to him as he settled on his paws, his amber gaze now searching the forest below for signs of life. "Of course, If you think otherwise, it IS your decision to make. And I believe you would make the best decision regardless. You have been leader of this pack for many moons now, Keovi."
"Thanks." He paused, but tentatively decided to go further. " Do you really think I can do this..? Im not feeling very confident now." He sighed and his stature shrunk slightly.
" Yes, Keovi. I know you can. Don't be afraid, whatever the outcome be, your pack will always stand beside you." She placed a comforting touch of her tail on his paw and he looked up, a meek smile spread across his maw.
Keovi suddenly jerked his head up, ears pricked. Takara looked into the trees behind them, hearing it too. They both stared at a dark space between the branches until a head came into veiw, startling them both.
" Hey you guys! I was wondering were you ran off to. Your mate would like to see you Alpha Keovi." Said the young pup Achilles. He smiled broadly and disappeared through the branches into the forest where the rest of the pack resided.

Tell me a few things you notice in that paragraph of dialog.

I love your use of the word "hale" too! I had to look it up, i didn't know it ^^'
Good use of foreboding too. I hope people read this topic, its important to any rper, and your showing exactly what i wanted you to show me.

well there is obvious word choice, like in any dialog. There is also an action for every sentence, which doesn't always happen (No offense), but in RP it does better help to describe. Oh, and not every sentence starts on a newline, if it's like in the same idea, it just continues.

That last part was what I was looking for. Almost nobody here does that, though it is the right thing to do. It doesn't really matter, we're not an advanced site or anything, but it's still good to know. And ya your right, i didn't notice that when I typed it out.. Honestly not sure if that's a no no or not.

Next thing:
I want you to be aware of some annoying little things people tend to do when they rp, like making their character jump from place to place with practically no time in between. They might mention " He ran for a while until he reached this cave" but is it really that hard to tell a bit about that little journey? Instead, why not " He started off in the direction of the mountains, his paws swiftly carrying his lithe frame over the leaf-littered ground, through patches of thorn bushes, and across small streams until they tired. When he slowed, tongue lolling out of his mouth, dripping, he glanced around him. He reached a a dark cave at the base of the mountain, surrounded by thick foliage that almost hid it's entrance from view. He quietly took a few more steps until he could place his pads on the cool rock of the cave floor. " etc.

Another is hunting. Be realistic, wolves cannot take down a deer or elk by themselves. A lone wolf can maybe catch anything from fawns and smaller. And when they fish, they don't use their paws from what I know. It's hard for them to fish anyways, so its not like one wolf can walk in the water and come back soon with 4 fish in front of it... Maybe one or two. Do some research on wolves. Wikipedia even, see what they hunt and eat. And even better: watch a video of a pack hunting some elk or something. Watch how they hunt.. you'd be surprised how different we can make it sound here than i bet it really is.

Any questions so far before I move on again? any specific thing you wish me to tell you about?

Yeah. Our hunting is nothing compared to the real thing, although we got closer then usual on that one hunt with Keovi, Kyota, etc. (basically the one they're eating now)


Don't have any more questions.

Yep, I guess it was a little better than usual. So you want to keep going or are you done?

Hmm... .I would like to keep going, but I can go with whatever floats your boat.

Ok, lets see what you know about wolves specifically. First a few general facts u should know.

Behavior:
Wolf alphas use high tails, erect, pulled forward ears, and barred teeth to show dominance. They often tower over whoever they are dominating, and keep eye contact.
Subordinates(any wolf who submits to an alpha) show submission by the pulled back ears, lowered frame, licking, and lowered tail. They sometimes roll onto their backs as the ultimate form of submission.
Omegas are usually the ones who get the anger taken out on them, and eat last, picking over the remains of the food. They are the ones who start play though.
Howling is used to locate other wolves, gather individuals to hunt, and to raise alarm
Howling can also be means of sharing with any other wolves around the area that the territory is occupied

Hunting:
The wolves locate prey by chance encounter, airborne scent, or a fresh scent trail. They usually go after the old, weak, young, or sickly ones.
They often don't succeed.

Mates and pups:
Only the alphas are allowed to have pups, but if the packs doing well, and resources are plenty, the alpha female is the one who decides if they can have more pups.
The mother doesn't usually leave the pups until they are old enough to follow the pack around. So other females will usually feed her.
Yearlings are usually the pupsitters, and if there isn't enough meat to feed to the pups, it is fed to yearlings first.
All the pack members spend time with and play with the pups


There. Basic realistic wolf actions and such. We go out of the lines on our site of course but that's perfectly fine. There's not much to go over now, 'cept to make sure your taking all this lecturing in. Create a new post, using a minimum three paragraphs to the best of your ability. Include some hunting, and wolf interaction. It can be a starting post, or something like out of the middle of a story.

can I copy-paste, then edit?

nah, I want a totally new post. You did good enough with your last. Practice never hurt anyone lol don't be lazy like me xD

Night ran in front of her pack, her head and banner raised, dark fur rippling in the spring wind. Her head tilted back and caught the scent of a doe, injured by the harshness of winter, yet still on the plains. Rose appeared at her side, ears flattened and her red hued tail clamped in the alpha's presence. "What is it Rose?" Night asked gruffly. The omega's weak response was "The deer haven't scented us, it is a good time to begin the hunt." Night's fangs bared, and she snapped back "Of course! I knew that!" Rose whimpered, and crawled towards the back. Night snorted in disgust, but raised her head to howl. A half-dozen wolves slunk into formation, and they crept forward after the deer.

The doe was injured, but it could still run. Shakily getting to it's feet, she lurched away from the pack. The pack split and ran on either side of the doe, Night slashing at one shoulder, her beta Stone on the other. So they continued from many miles, but the doe still ran on. The sun was falling, but the moon wouldn't rise tonight. The pack fell back, all weary from the day's travel. The doe slowed, but kept going. The pack would continue tomorrow.

Night settled down for sleep, on a bluff above the rest of the pack. The rest of the wolves lay huddled in a group against the cruel winds that still blew in the prairie. Rose was huddled on the edge, apart from the rest of the group. She stood, shivering, and tried to worm her way into the center of the mass. Stone uncurled from his position in the center and snapped at the omega. Rose whimper, and her tail clamped even harder. She backed away, now ready o sleep in the cold tonight. Night observed this, but didn't act. This was the way of the Wild.

Beautiful! That is what I would call a great realistic rp post. What I get from this is that this pack, lead by a strong and determined leader, rules on their lands well. They work hard to hunt, and there is a set social order that keeps the pack in line. All the wolves would be loyal to that leader, and they seem a tough pack. Goldenleaf would probably collapse if faced by them lol

Few critiques here, I see some good use of vocab, but I wasn't looking out for that so much, and its interesting, well written, and has a story to it, so good job. but I'm not even sure this is true, but do all the wolves sleep together? That's something I better research.. *poofs for a minute*

*poofs back* Yes it seems they do, with wolves with close bonds sleeping directly together. Omegas pupsit, not sure i said that, and they start play. least they have a few good things going for them
Well you did very well, so I don't see why I need to continue teaching you =] Congrats, you've graduated my class. I hope to see more of your posts looking as well thought out as that one there.

Suky -they especially do when it's cold. But thakies for taching me,and I hope my RP posts are awesomer then ever! And they will be thanks to you. So BYE!